The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion for me. I graduated from physical therapy after 10 weeks of focused soft tissue work, stretching, needling, and exercise. And after two and a half years of fibro ruling my days, I can finally say that I have some control! My pain is considerably less and I now have tools and resources to keep me that way!
A few Sundays ago, after leaving church, I was feeling strong, so my family and I took off on a familiar adventure: a walk around our favorite lake;) Armed with unexplainable strength and excitement at the possibility, we set off. It wasn’t hard. Six months ago I couldn’t have walked half that far. But I was doing it – just like a ‘real girl’, lol.
By the time I got to the end, my heart was leaping, and I was fighting back the tears. I wasn’t fatigued or in pain. But I could barely speak- with the exception of one word from God. FREE. Wow. Yes, I felt FREE. Free from the prison that my body had kept me in.
That moment was profound. It was a turning point in my recovery. It was a beautiful way to describe what I was feeling. FREE. No longer in chains. But the more I thought about that moment, the more I felt like I was missing something.
So I asked God, “did you tell me I’m FREE?”
His response was quick and clear. “Yes.”
“Free from what?”
No answer. Again and again, I pleaded for Him to tell me.
Then I heard it. A still small voice that said, “From your fibro.”
I was sure that I had heard him wrong. Or perhaps I heard what I wanted to hear. Again, I asked the Lord, “What have you freed me from?” And again,
He said, “FIBRO-MYALGIA.”
I was in disbelief. But I absolutely KNEW it was His voice. Questions filled my mind, but every one was shot down with Carrie, You are Free.
As this sat in my heart, I had no response. Questions of the unknown were deafening. Free from physical pain and symptoms? Free from the mental and emotional prison my fibro has kept me in? Free to enjoy my life, family, work, friends? Free from what? I was quickly becoming paralyzed from the unknown.
My body temperature started rising, and my heart started beating fast. And I knew this was the Lord’s prompting to stop. To praise. So I did the only thing I knew to, I fell to my knees. And I thanked him for this promise. I praised Him. I believed Him.
But today I have doubts, and I’m fearful. I know I heard him, but it is so hard to fathom. Could this awful illness be over? And if I stand on this promise today, and get sicker tomorrow, what then? What will people say?
Does it matter? I know what I heard. I’m still in the middle of my story, and I don’t know exactly what that promise looks like yet. But I know that my response needs to be to bring Him glory. That promise was for me. And how better to honor Him and bring Him glory, than by sharing my journey?
So today, I stand on the mountain top, and declare that God has set me FREE!!!
Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.
You have done such wonderful things.
Who can compare with you, O God?
You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
but you will restore me to life again
and lift me up from the depths of the earth.
You will restore me to even greater honor
and comfort me once again.
Truth is, I still am not sure what being free means for me. I don’t know if my body will stay healthy, or how I will be a few months from now. But I do know, that God made me a promise…he is reassuring me…he has set me free. I am trusting in that. I don’t have to know all the details right now, but I am so excited to find out. And I’m praising Him in the middle!
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